Lucy Peters wrote to Thought Catalog, telling the story of her violent relationship. She met a man named Nathan and ended up experiencing a form of sex that had been unknown to her before that point. However, her story didn’t end there. “The next day, I noticed dozens of dark bruises covering my stomach, thighs and boobs. My mouth and throat felt raw. My stomach churned all day. I was scared but somehow, something in me still wanted more and I met up for dinner with him later that week.”
At that dinner, she found that Nathan knew more about her than she expected. “At dinner he commented on my low self-esteem and how it was very unattractive. I was shocked he even knew I lacked confidence and constantly put myself down. I thought I hid it well. He asked me why I thought everyone was better than me. I came up with multiple answers which he quickly shut down. He then told me to love myself because so many other people did. I promised to myself, that from this day forward I would work on my confidence. He had a point, I was who I was and people do love me for that so I should too.” she wrote. There’s a lot to break down here, but this is part of her reasoning as to why she stays with him. “Our relationship is not just made of rough sex, he is always taking me on dates, buying me presents and showers me in compliments. He has helped a lot with my confidence and I feel so much better about who I am today.”
Her sex life now is more of the same. She describes sex as “rough” and even tells a story about how she was hit in the face with a book and had to lie about the bruise that formed afterwards. “I am constantly covered in bruises from rough sex. I have been strangled multiple times, to the point where tears well up in my eyes and bruises are left on my neck,” she said.
While Lucy loves the sex she’s having, she’s aware of how problematic this is. “I know this is wrong and I should leave him. I just can’t let go, I feel so alive when we are having sex. I feel so full and special like I am the only one he wants to touch,” she says. She describes Nathan as being instrumental to her growth as a person, which might not be unfamiliar to those of us who have been in relationships like this.
Despite that, Lucy is pushing forward. She wrote that she feels like she’s ignoring everything she ever thought she knew about how she should be treated for this relationship. She’s even aware that if others knew, she’d be judged for it. “Some would say he is taking advantage of me and I agree. However, I am the happiest I have been for a long time and I just can’t let go of this happiness.”
There are a lot of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. One reason is that guys like these can be incredible charismatic and charming. Lucy didn’t fall for Nathan for no reason, and you don’t fall in love with your partner for no reason, either. Lucy describes Nathan as someone who’s romantic and who treats her very well. Many women are willing to put up with what they think are regular flaws in exchange for being treated well.
Being someone’s everything can go to your head. It can be almost like getting drunk on power when you realize that someone is making you the main priority in their life. You might even feel like you’re in a romantic comedy because everything’s just going so well. However, that attention can very easily leave a sour taste in your mouth when that attention becomes controlling.
Some people stay because they don’t know better. A lot of people stay in abusive relationships because it’s literally all they know. They might know in their heads that everyone should be treated with love and respect in a relationship, but they might not have ever had a relationship like that happen for them or anyone around them, so they find that they accept the love that they know, even if that love is toxic or even violent.
Some people stay because they believe they don’t deserve better. This ties into my last point because there’s a lot of overlap here. Some people find themselves in toxic or violent relationships because they believe that that sort of relationship is all that they deserve. They might have been dealt so much rejection that they start to believe that the people rejecting them are right. They might even find themselves grateful for the attention their violent or toxic partner gives them, because at least it’s something.
Some people stay because their partners scare them. Some people do not mince words about their need for control, so they’ll menace their partners into staying. There are some people staying in violent relationships because they believe that leaving will only serve to make things worse.
Emotional blackmail can go a long way in a bad way. When menacing someone doesn’t work, some people resort to emotional blackmail, saying things like “I’ll kill myself if you leave.” Some people are also masters of turning every argument on the other person, making them apologize or even plead with them to stay. The people staying in the relationship might be staying because they can’t live with the guilt of “messing up the relationship” or them hurting themselves.
Some people stay because they think their partners can change. Worse, some people believe they can change their violent partners. They think their love can fix everything. They might know in their heads that that’s not how anything works, but when we get into this frame of mind, we think we’re the exceptions and we’ll be the ones to do it.
Some people are more afraid to be alone than anything else. These people would rather be in a terrible relationship than deal with the possibility of being alone for a long stretch of time. This goes double for family situations, where leaving a relationship can mess up the structure and fabric of far more than two people.
Sometimes reasons aren’t rational. One of the most common reasons why people stay is love. This isn’t in a “love conquers all” way, this is just plain old love. We can’t help who we have chemistry with, and sometimes people who stay are simply staying for love. However, a relationship can’t survive this way.
Only you can decide that you’re ready to leave. Lucy’s story proves that there are many reasons why people stay in relationships, and as much as she says she’s staying because of the sex, it’s never just about the sex. She loves how he treats her outside of the bedroom, and she admits to self-esteem issues, so even her story about sex shows a lot more than that. The reasons why people stay are complex and complicated, but relationships of all sorts are complex and complicated, even the toxic ones.
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