There's a big difference between male and female orgasms, but the experts aren't telling.
Many (if not most) women have known the disheartening frustration of being with a lover who somehow falls out of sync with them close to the approach of their orgasm. The lover may change his or her stroke, pressure, rhythm, or in some cases may even remove the intimate touch that is working so well, thinking that the inevitable is about to happen - indeed, that it will happen, no matter what that lover does from that moment on.
Many (if not most) women have known the disheartening frustration of being with a lover who somehow falls out of sync with them close to the approach of their orgasm. The lover may change his or her stroke, pressure, rhythm, or in some cases may even remove the intimate touch that is working so well, thinking that the inevitable is about to happen - indeed, that it will happen, no matter what that lover does from that moment on.
And of course "nothing" is what usually happens when the touch changes during those critical moments. This means that a woman's approach to orgasm is typically interrupted by the change or cessation of stimulation, then drops back into what Masters and Johnson first dubbed the “plateau stage” of the sexual response cycle. The considerate lover, or the proactive female herself, must then take matters in hand and begin to build excitement all over again – or else suffer various forms of resentment, resignation, or simple erotic frustration.
“Women take a long time to climax.” This is a concept deeply embedded in our Western notions of sexuality. But why is it that “look, Ma, no hands!” works for those with a biological penis at the “point of no return” but not for those possessing a gloriously complex clitoral structure? Is it really something about Mary?
Well, yes, actually. And yes, something else too… But before we get into that, let’s turn our gaze to one of the most brilliant and least regarded sex research pioneers of the last century, Mary Jane Sherfey (1918-1983). Sherfey died just as American women finally blasted into outer space, but what I really deplore is that she missed the age of blogging. If there’s any sexologist’s ghost that I’d be willing to channel on a dark and stormy night, it would be Sherfey. Of course I’m not alone in my admiration. Sherfey has influenced early pioneers of the feminist women’s health movement, such as Suzann Gage and the other women who co-authored A New View of a Woman’s Body (1991, Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers). Authors such as Rebecca Chalker, of The Clitoral Truth, are solid Sherfey fans.
Others may give Sherfey a nod (and a wink?) but seldom address her depth. The authors of Sex at Dawn cite her, but inadequately, considering that the main premise of Sex at Dawn is exactly what Sherfey was talking about! As for me, I first learned of Sherfey from Ed Brecher’s book, The Sex Researchers. I could not rest until I tracked down her work: The Nature and Evolution of Female Sexuality. The rest, as we say, is mystery…
Fast forward to the present, where we inhabit a swirling internet world of “sexperts,” sexologists, sex therapists, romance advice divas, blissful tantrikas, and snarky bloggers – all jockeying for position. And yet the reams of advice written to women who stop short of orgasm, and to those who profess to love them, must by now wrap around the earth three times or stretch to the moon and back. “Give plenty of clitoral stimulation”, “don’t miss the g-spot,” and when all else fails (or before it does), just make your vibrator your own best friend. These are all good things to consider and do, but does anyone ever ask “why?”
I'm here to tell you an astonishing thing. Sexologists forgot there was a “why.” And so sexologists forgot to tell people about it. And probably the reason we forgot is that we didn't exactly know why in the first place. Sherfey was one of the very few who identified an important fact, but it remained buried in a book that few women (or men) have ever read. So you see, most of us never really knew this fact to begin with.
There's a big difference between male and female orgasms, but the experts aren't telling.
After reading Sherfey, I felt compelled to research this question: what do people believe about the female bodied orgasm? It’s been an interesting inquiry. I just finished collecting data for a brief survey which has yielded some fascinating results. Even now the data appear to support my initial suspicion about a pervasive belief: namely, that many people believe that women have an orgasmic ”point of no return” – as male bodies do – even if stimulation stops or changes, at least some of the time.
But according to Mary Jane Sherfey, this is physiologically impossible: ”It must be recalled that all women must be stimulated continuously, especially during the plateau and orgasmic phases, or the level of sexual tension will drop almost instantaneously. It must be recalled that contrary to the male’s, the female’s muscles of orgasmic response will not continue to contract involuntarily; hence an orgasm may be interrupted at any point.”
In a side note at the bottom of the page, Sherfey also says: ”The difference has not been explained. It would be interesting to determine if the same difference exists in animals, and if there is an actual difference in the neural end organs of the muscles or in the muscle fibers themselves.”
I attempted to find out more about the nature of these muscle fibers, but I suspect it will take an exhaustive search to uncover actual research, if any does exist.
Meanwhile, we’ve got an interesting situation. Most of the people (n=164) who took my survey were highly educated and a great many of them have had formal training in human sexuality and are even practitioners in the field. Even so, an astounding 64% answered “sometimes true” to a question which read: “females have a “point of no return” when an orgasm is inevitable, even if stimulation stops.”
What in the world is going on? Here we’ve got reams of sex advice on the one hand, and our own lived experiences on the other, and yet somehow we believe that a person with female genitals - and the muscle responses to match – is capable – at least sometimes – of completing orgasmic response without continued stimulation. Could it be that we are still so heavily influenced by the male concept of the "point of no return" - the inevitable ejaculation and orgasmic response - that we continue to apply those expectations to female bodies which do not have pelvic muscles which work in that manner?
I do want to say that I am not male bashing here – I think it makes perfect sense to figure that if your body has muscles that work a certain way, that other people, even those with different genitalia, probably function similarly. After all, we’ve all been hearing for years that “female sexuality” is “just as good as” or “just as powerful as” “male sexuality” and that the complex structure of the clitoris was extensive and worthy of as much respect and regard as a penis. After all, these organs develop from similar pre-natal tissues, and so on. However, equivalent value doesn't mean that all factors are precisely the same.
So – to restate my point – I think it’s reasonable that males, whose muscles contract involuntarily as orgasm appears inevitable, may feel – due to their familiarity with their own physical responses – that female bodies naturally do the same thing, somehow, somewhere, in the mysterious depths of impending orgasm. And because the average biological male in good sexual health usually finds that he can play around with changing sensations at the brink of orgasm – or even stop sensation all together – he may also tend to switch gears, or back off slightly, or change something when he perceives that a woman is about to tip over into orgasm. And then all of a sudden it’s back to square two, if not square one.
My survey results confirm the existence of this belief in the hands-off, female “point of no return” among cisgendered males and females. That women believe this too is surprising! I do know that as human beings we can do all kinds of wonderful things with our orgasmic potential – full body orgasms, multiple orgasms, creating a secret square inch of skin with incredible sensitivity, orgasming by just thinking about it, using hypnotic suggestions for pleasure, even engaging in subtle body sex. I know it’s not all biology and body parts.
However, I think Mary Jane Sherfey’s research, and the results of my survey show us an important piece of neglected sex education – one that could help a lot of lovers, average people who might like to know just a little bit more about how to please themselves and others. In my next blog, I'll talk more about the things you and your partner can do to make the most of your orgasmic potential.
