You’ve heard them all. It was over in under a minute — tried to answer this question. Take a look below at what they found.
Length of sex. Meticulously put together by Zahra Barnes, GQ’s piece essentially asks the simple — yet multilayered — question: How long should sex last from a gal’s point of view? (Finally, something from GQ that’s for the ladies.)
Research. As Barnes points out, a study published in 2005 found that the median length of intercourse was a mere 5.4 minutes. Still, it should be noted that other research has found medians of up to 7.5 minutes, Rachel Hills, author of “The Sex Myth,” told New York magazine in 2015.
Missing factors. Sure, those numbers kind of make sense. But they leave out one important aspect of sex: foreplay. Not to mention, the research also only focuses on heterosexual couples, when, obviously, everyone isn’t only sleeping with others of the opposite sex.
More than just intercourse. "Sex is more than just intercourse, and the time you allot to it should include the time to generate arousal both mentally and physically," sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of "She Comes First," told SELF, according to Barnes. "That can mean lots of touching and foreplay, sharing a fantasy, reading erotica, watching [adult films] together, or roleplaying some sort of kinky scene,” Kerner added.
On the flip side… Is there such a thing as too quick, however? As Barnes highlights, a 2004 study published in the Journal of Sex Research that actually included foreplay found that couples were indulging in 11-13 minutes of foreplay, followed by 7-8 minutes of sex.
Levels of satisfaction. In comparison to the 2005 study, the numbers in the 2004 study sound absolutely marvelous — luxurious, even. Still, as Barnes notes, the participants weren’t satisfied with how long their romps were lasting. In fact, they wanted sex to last for double the time.
What the ladies want. In other words, it sounds like folks want 11-13 minutes of foreplay, followed by 14-16 minutes of intercourse. Fellas, we think that sounds totally doable — don’t you?
Reasons for the discrepancy. The discrepancy in the amount of time participants wanted in the study might simply come down to one partner not feeling 100 percent satisfied between the sheets, Barnes reports. "But some of it must definitely come down to people thinking they need to not only measure up to some societal sexual bar, but launch themselves over it like erotic pole vaulters, besting everyone else in the competition,” she adds.
Liable to change. But listen up, ladies and fellas: There’s absolutely no need to launch yourself over society’s sexual bar. Here’s why: Sex length is liable to change. In other words, it’s as fickle as love itself.
Kind of sex you want. "Sometimes you really want to have a quickie, sometimes you want to have really intense lovemaking, and sometimes you want to do something that's really fun and adventurous. The kind of sex you want to have affects the length of the sex,” Kerner told SELF.
Other frustrations. Obviously, if your frustrations regarding sex length surround something like your partner having a premature ejaculation or your ability to orgasm, that’s not the same thing. Subsequently, that’s something worth working on and talking about with your sexual partner.
Stress. At the end of the day (or lay, heh), stressing about how long things are lasting between the sheets is a surefire way to stretch things out even longer. In other words, worrying about how long — or quick— you’re taking isn’t going to help anyone’s pleasure levels in the long run. In fact, it’s only going to make it even harder to achieve orgasm.
Mutual pleasure. "Sex should definitely last long enough for both partners to achieve mutual pleasure, generally in the form of orgasm," said Kerner. Of course, since you don’t necessarily have to orgasm to achieve pleasure, the way you define it is entirely up to you.
Inhibiting pleasure. "A lot of women worry, especially when receiving oral sex, thinking, Is this taking too long? Are they enjoying themselves? How soon am I going to come?" said Kerner. "That kind of anxiety can really delay orgasm and inhibit pleasure.” It's important to not let that anxiety inhibit you, to inhibit your partner, stop you both from enjoying yourselves. Don't stress about time. Just enjoy what you have while you're having it.
Bottom line. The key to reaching climax in a time that feels comfortable to you? By simply letting go of your worries. As Barnes notes, an easy way to do this is by getting so turned on, that all higher-level brain functions basically, well, stop operating. "I always encourage couples to engage in as much outercourse as possible before intercourse,” said Kerner. "The more outercourse you engage in, hopefully the higher your level of arousal and the closer you get to orgasm."
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