IT is something every parent dreads – the moment your child is no longer a kid.
But how do you deal with knowing they are having sex?
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For one mum, finding condoms in her son’s bedroom made her confront the issue sooner than she expected.
But after the initial shock, her discovery led to a much more liberal approach.
Here she explains how she agreed to let her 15-year-old have sex under her roof.
I KNEW Tom drank at parties, which didn’t delight me.
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But a month ago, spotting a vodka bottle top on his carpet, I feared my 15-year-old son was also drinking while not at parties.
He was out so I opened his desk drawer. And there it was. A small, red, square foil wrapper.
The truth rushed at me. My son — the child who squabbles with his sister over the wifi — is having sex.
I was stunned but, as reality lodged in my head, not surprised.
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The signs had been flashing neon, I’d just ignored them.
Tom was friendly with girls from school. Not in a Jack-the-lad way — they talked, enjoyed each other’s company.
But recently he’d spent a lot of time with one girl, Ellie. We did ask if they were going out.
“No,” he insisted. When I saw a purple bruise on his neck, I convinced myself it was from football.
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When the truth dawned, I asked: “Who is it?” Tom replied: “Why do you need a name?” Sensing I was on dangerous ground, I said: “So we can warn other boys there’s a vampire about.”
He smiled and accepted my suggestion that it was a “casual” smooch at a party.
I’d argued with my husband that at this age they weren’t interested in the hassle of going all the way.
And what about when Tom had missed a family day trip to hang out with Ellie?
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And could we text to let him know when we were on our way home? Of course, they were rushing to finish playing Scrabble.
I was reluctant to acknowledge I was a mum whose child was having underage sex. In my head, that was a result of poor parenting.
The statistics say as much — that teenagers who have fewer family dinners and are always on their screens are more likely to indulge in risky behaviours.
A chunk of my self-worth is tied up in the belief I’m a good mum. Not perfect but a solid B-plus.
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And I couldn’t help feeling that well-raised children with clear boundaries and decent role models didn’t start shagging until they were sufficiently mature to stop wiping bogeys down the side of the sofa.
It wasn’t as if having sex at his age meant my son wasn’t loyal and kind, and didn’t value hard work and education.
But it undermined my belief in what was appropriate, and I felt ashamed. Of myself.
Tom had clearly rebelled against the high expectations my husband and I have of him.
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But we aren’t insanely pushy, we just expect him not to be lazy.
Only weeks earlier I had been congratulating myself for subjecting my son to a chat about sex — what real sex is like, as opposed to porn.
I chattered on about connection and intimacy, and thought: “He sounded interested.” But after finding the condom, we decided my husband would talk gently to Tom.
We weren’t angry, which would have been pointless.
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My husband told our son: “It seems like the relationship with Ellie is progressing...might it have become sexual? Is there anything you would like to tell us?”
Tom gruffly admitted there was. I think he was relieved to be found out, to no longer have to lie.
Then we ordered him a bumper pack of Durex on Amazon Prime. Not something I’d envisaged myself doing for my 15-year-old.
We suggested he discuss contraception with Ellie, emphasising safety and what to do if the condom split.
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A few weeks later I had another chat with Tom. I thought I should educate him.
It’s not that I think he’d do anything his girlfriend was not happy with, but why not provide him with facts I didn’t know until my mid-twenties, that make sex better for both parties?
I told him sex isn’t just about the male orgasm and explained, broadly, what can help women orgasm. Essentially: “Not bang, bang, bang, more slow and feeling.”
It wasn’t awkward. Even though he had been pushing us away, we are close.
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We’re informal parents, and he wanted to know and no one else was going to tell him.
We also discussed consent. I had faith in him but wanted to ensure he understood the importance of absolute clarity.
I’d prefer that my 15-year-old son wasn’t having sex. But he and Ellie have a sweet relationship.
If we were to oppose or forbid it, it would lead to subterfuge. I don’t want him lying to us, or feeling aggrieved.
He and Ellie know they can be together in our house, and she stays over. Her mum knows.
I suspect she isn’t thrilled but recognises they genuinely like each other.
Our relationship with Tom has improved. It’s not as simple as just letting him do what he wants.
It’s not a moral issue or about us weakly wanting to be his friend. It’s about trying to apply emotional intelligence to a challenging situation.
I see this doesn’t change who he is — a good-hearted, gorgeous person. But it has changed how I see myself.
- All names have been changed
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