Your Questions, Answered: What Is Kink, And How Do I Use It In Bed?
Let’s talk about kink. (And no, I don’t mean the kind you get in your neck.)
For a lot of guys, even the sound of the word “kink” feels dirty…but what is it, really?
Are kink and BDSM the same…?
Is kinky sex more pleasurable than “vanilla” sex…?
And how can you tell if a woman wants to be kinky with you…?
We interviewed the renowned sexuality educator and expert on kink, Midori, to get all the answers.
Meet Midori: “The Super Nova Of Kink”
Midori is an artistic visionary who’s traveled all over the world to share her expertise on sexuality.
And as if that’s not impressive enough, Midori is also an author, an artist, and a public speaker (She was also recently featured on Michelle Ann Owen’s podcast,
Nothing Off Limits.)
Midori’s sexuality classes focus on helping people shake up their sex lives. More specifically, she helps people feel comfortable introducing “kink” in the bedroom.
But if you’ve never experimented with “kink,” it can feel like an intimidating subject…one that brings up a lot of questions.
So we sat down with Midori to break it down, piece by piece, and get to the bottom of what it really means to bring “kink” into your bedroom.
Here’s how Midori describes it:
So What Exactly IS “Kink”?
When most people read the word “kink,” their minds immediately go to BDSM. And usually, that conjures up images of:
- Bondage…
- Whips and chains…
- Pain…
- Denial…
And so on. And yes, all of these things can definitely be incorporated into BDSM…but that’s not the whole story.
In fact, Midori summarizes the idea of “kink” in a way that even the most “vanilla” among us can understand:
A more practical way to look at kink is childlike joyous play with adult sexual privilege and cool toys.”
While it’s easy to get held up by the concept of “BDSM” being all about pain…this completely misses the real point of kink: To have fun, while also expressing your sexuality.
Midori explains that as children, we use play as a way to grow, thrive, and explore our creativity.
However, when boys become men, it’s easy to give up this idea of “play”…and this translates into to the bedroom too.
As a result, sex can become more of a chore, and less of a fun way to give and receive pleasure. With kink, “play” comes back into the mix.
So what does this kind of play actually look like? According to Midori, it’s a lot like, “Cops and robbers, with f***ing.”
When you engage in kink, there’s a “good guy” and a “bad guy.” However, this is no ordinary “bad guy.”
With kink, the job of the “bad guy” is really to offer pleasure to the “good guy.” Like Midori says:
I’m going to put a blindfold on you, and I’m the ‘bad’ person in the game of cops and robbers. But I’m touching you in all the ways you actually like.”
That’s the delicate balance of kink — it’s all about using control (i.e. if you’re the “bad guy” or the “dominant” one) to provide a new kind of playful pleasure (for the “good guy” or the “submissive” one).
So now that you have a better idea of what kink is…how do you bring it into the bedroom?
Midori’s got you covered there, too:
1) Keep It Casual
According to Midori, most women in relationships end up waiting for the guy to make the first move…and this is especially true when it comes to more “taboo” kinds of sex.
However, if you dive in head-first with a question like, “Wanna break out the whips and chains tonight?” …chances are you’ll scare her away.
Instead, you could take a more casual approach with a question like, “Ever have naughty fantasies?”
This requires only a “Yes” or a “No” response, so it’ll be easier for her to answer.
Another question that could work is, “Ever just want to pretend you’re somebody else? I know I do…”
This opens up a conversation that can easily transition into topics like role-play without feeling “scary” or intimidating.
Which brings us to Midori’s next step…
2) Read Her Dirty Novels
If your girlfriend is into romantic novels or “cheesy” stories, do yourself a favor and read a few.
Why?
According to Midori, this will reveal one huge insight: What your girlfriend fantasizes about.
Think about it:
A lot of women read to escape from reality…to immerse themselves in a new world.
So if she enjoys reading these kinds of romance novels, it means she is likely interested in the kinds of sex the characters are having in the novel.
For example, if your girlfriend has ever read 50 Shades Of Gray…chances are she’s at least curious about the world of kink and BDSM (as cliche as that may sound).
You don’t have to read the entire book to figure it out, either — just flip through the pages to get a taste of what she’s into.
While you might not be into the story the same way she is, it can offer you valuable insight into what your girl really wants in bed.
And if you’d rather not flip through her trashy novels, then you can also just ask her, “What’s in that book that’s so hot?”
Show her you’re interested in what she wants in bed, and she’ll be much more willing to open up to you about it.
3) Start Small
One of the best pieces of advice Midori has for men looking to enter the world of kink is also the simplest: Start small.
If you’re interested in experimenting with kink, you don’t have to try it all in one night — it’s actually better to take your time.
You could start with a baby step or two outside of your comfort zone. Maybe throw in a blindfold to start, and see how she responds. Then you can gradually increase to new levels of bondage and control if both of you want.
Or if you’re interested in a more comprehensive learning experience, Midori offers several classes to those who truly want to immerse themselves in the world of kink (ever heard of rope bondage, for example?).
At the end of the day, the most important thing to remember is that sex — whether it’s kinky or not — should be fun! And pleasurable.
And if you really want to take her over the edge…and give her the orgasm every woman craves…try this:
How To Give Her The “Pulsing Orgasm” She Craves…
It’s something new in the “kink” community… and it’s 100% for pleasure.
Here’s how to do it:
When you’re inside her, you do this weird kind of “pulsing” penetration…for a guy, it feels pretty much the same…but for a woman, it builds up into an EXPLOSIVE release (usually within a few minutes).
It’s kind of hard to describe in words…
